Right, Orridge,
Popple! Potel!
9:20!
...cannot but feel deeply humbled.
Five years ago, if I may be personal for a moment...
a rather overawed headmaster
of a rather obscure, maintained comprehensive school...
Stimpson.
Can you make 3:30 Monday or 4:30 Tuesday?
No, 10:35 on Thursday
or 12:10 Friday.
Ah, can't do I'm afraid.
Or we could say 11:10 Friday week.
That's fine for me, whatever suits you.
Don't run!
Sharon Seeds...
9:20!
...arrived at the annual meeting for the first time,
amazed to find himself invited
to become one of your very select handful of additional members.
Come in!
He listened to the headmasters of schools with great and glorious names...
Come in... great and glorious names...
Headmaster...
Eton and Harrow, Winchester and Westminster.
Am I taking 4H in G3
at 10:30?
...as they expatiated upon a variety of weighty matters,
scarcely did our nervous new boy...
open his mouth.
Sorry. This is your thing with all the posh schools?
4H in G3 at 10:30.
2:15 okay Brian?
Joan said that I'm taking 4H in G3
at 10:30.
I thought I was taking 4J in J3 at 11.00!
Peter Styles is taking 4H in G3 at 10:30.
Right Ted, 2:15.
Slay 'em at the conference, Brian.
Tell all those upper-class ponces
we're gonna hang 'em from the lamp post
by their old school ties!
Right, thank you Ted!
Ah, you're taking 4G in H3 at 10:35.
Oh, God!
They should try having 4G at Harrow!
Well, that obscure comprehensive school was none other...
than Thomas Tompion.
And that overawed new boy was none other than me.
Little did he dream,
within a few short years he would be standing up here himself
as the very first comprehensive school headmaster ever...
to become Chairman of the Headmasters' Conference.
Clint...
Where do you think you're going, Clint?
The Guinness Book of Records?
Every day this term so far, isn't it Clint?
Well don't just stand there, Clint! Run!
9:20, Clint.
And come out from that doorway!
Not you... you!
Yes you, I can see the smoke you fool.
I can see your feet!
Oh, it's you!
Right, now I've got some sad news for you all...
I'm going to be away today.
I knew you'd be heartbroken!
Right. Now where am I going?
To the University of Norwich in the fair county of Norfolk.
And why am I going there?
Because that's where this year's annual meeting
of the Headmasters' Conference is being held,
and you can all feel rather proud of yourselves.
Because they don't let just any old headmasters into the Headmaster's Conference, far from it...
The Headmaster's Conference is the organisation to which
all the great independent schools of this country belong, places like Eton and Harrow,
Winchester and Westminster.
The fee-paying schools.
The 'posh' schools that we all look down our noses at,
and that we'd all send our children to
if only we'd got the money.
They don't usually let in headmasters of common old garden comprehensive schools,
of schools like this one.
So, why you ask, why did they let me in?
Well, I'll tell you why. They let me in
because you and I,
all of us together,
have made Thomas Tompion one of the best schools in the country.
Right then. But today...
9:20, Linda...
But today is
an extra special occasion, because today
today I take over as Chairman,
Chairman of the Headmasters' Conference,
and I shall be the first chairman
in the whole of history, in the whole of history
who is headmaster of an ordinary, common old garden state comprehensive school.
So it really is one for the Guinness Book of Records!
Right then! So what am I going to tell them in my speech this afternoon?
I'm going to tell them how we did it!
I'm going to tell them how we all decided
that we wanted a well-run, orderly school...
a school where we all knew what we were supposed to be doing, Jimmy Picken,
a school where we all knew which room we were supposed to be doing it in.
I'm not looking at you, Wendy Pilbrow,
or you, Gary Bottoms.
...and what we were supposed to be doing it with, Debbie Jones.
And above all,
Clint Ailing and Dean Schreiber, please note...
when we were supposed to be doing it!
Right...
Hymn 122:
"He Who Would Valiant Be".
You're here again, Gayle?
What are you here for, Shaun?
Don't know. What are you here for?
Oh, I'm... I'm merely... I'm just...
Hello, Mrs Stimpson.
Surprised to find you lined up with the...
What have you been...?
What?
Did you over-cook the...?
Or were you late getting him his...?
Go on, hit 'im in the face!
If you think 9:20 outside my study means
11:10 in the playground, then you'll be back here at 9:20 every day
until you learn to tell the time!
I told you 9:50; the train's not till 10:25.
What do you want?
Please sir, it's about starting Greek, sir.
9:20's not starting Greek.
9:20's not being driven to the railway station.
What's 9:20?
Executions, sir.
Executions. Mr Jolly?
I used to be like you. Always late.
Oh yes, forever in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I know what you mean, but I just thought I ought to...
I thought I ought to
One or two things...
One or two problems...
One or two personal...
I was like some miserable child
wandering round the school, with his calculator in one hand
and his gym shoes in the other, and not the slightest idea
where he's supposed to be.
G3, Leroy!
I know the feeling.
We all go through it, John.
We all get lost.
I'm afraid I've got into...
Bed, John.
Oh no, no, no. Nothing like that! Well...
Try getting out of it earlier in the morning.
But the thing is this...
Because the first step to knowing who we are, is knowing where we are,
and when we are!
I could drive you there.
The train doesn't go till 10:25.
You're ashamed of me, aren't you?
You could go over to the hospital.
Don't tell me you're not allowed to take wives, because if you're the chairman, you are.
I know that.
You could take some of your old ladies out for a drive.
I don't have to come to the dinner if that's what you're worrying about.
I could go out and get a hamburger on my own.
This is a historic moment.
I stand before you today as your new chairman.
I said I could go out and get a hamburger in McDonald's.
Good, good. And did Paul get off to school on time?
- Right. So you'll find somewhere to park... - Park?
Make sure the train's running.
If it's not, you'll have to drive me there.
Platform 3,
10:25 to Norwich. Calling passengers...
Right, Norwich. We're on time today, are we?
On the left.
Right...
On the left, governor. Train on the left.
Glen Scully and Mandy Kostakis!
Yes!... Right.
Tomorrow then.
9:20!
Right!
On the left, then.
Right.
- Right? - Right.
This is a historic moment.
I stand before you today
as your new chairman,
something that few of us
ever expected to see happen in our lifetime.
Something that few of us expected to see in our lifetime.
This is the train for Norwich?
- Plymouth. - Plymouth?
That was Norwich on the left.
Wait! Stop!
Right!
The 10:25 to Norwich?
- You've missed it. - It's on time? It is running?
It's run, it's gone, that's it.
That's alright then.
Gwenda!
Can't you tell the difference between left and right?
You said Norwich...
That's Plymouth!
You didn't want Norwich?
The speech!
Speech? What, now?
Wait! Stop!
They've asked me to do some damned silly things as I've stood 'ere,
but no one's ever asked me to make a speech before.
Come on! Try this one then.
Plymouth, this one.
The speech...
Please, could you give me the speech?
Right!
He's back.
You want the speech before you go, do you?
"My lords, ladies and gentlemen..."
The next one to Norwich?
- 2:47, change at Peterborough. - Oh!
He didn't like it.
Gwenda!
Gwenda, wait!
Keep going, governor; it's never too late till the last moment's come...
just so long...
just so long as your wife hasn't taken the car!
Gwenda!
Where the hell is she?
Oh, you're here. Where's Mum?
- Don't tell me at the school. - Yeah, I think she's...
I know she was at the school, you idiot. Where'd she go after that? Don't say the station!
Yeah, I think she said...
God, give me strength!
But where is she now?
She's not at the hospital? She's not...
- ...driving old ladies around the countryside? - Dunno, she might have said...
She's at the hospital!
Why aren't you at school?
- Ah, well, I've got a...
You've got a free, of course you've got a free. Only you haven't got a free...
- No, I've got a... - You've got a study period!
I've got a hangover!
Taxi, taxi, taxi!
Please sir, I'm terribly sorry Mr Stimpson.
Laura?
I'm sorry, Mr Stimpson, I've got a free...
Right! Laura, hospital.
Right...
Not far out of your way.
It's not a free, Laura, it's a study period.
Study periods are not frees.
This is your parents' car, is it Laura?
They don't mind.
You've got A levels this year, Laura, you shouldn't be driving around in study periods; you're a prefect.
You should be setting an example.
Right... Left!
Right, wait here.
Do you mind waiting? I don't know where she goes.
I'm only missing biology.
Mind the step.
So, she said:
"Elly, it's no use letting Lou have the sherry glasses...
"She won't appreciate them, she won't polish them...
"You know what she's like." So I said: "Well, all right...
"I've no desire to burden people with possessions they don't want," I said.
"That's not my intention and never has been."
So naturally, she thought that if the sherry glasses aren't going to Lou,
they'd be going to Pam.
But I thought to myself:
"Wait a moment, Elly..."
Keep moving Mrs Trellis, nearly there.
"Hold on a moment, Elly," I thought.
Are we going to the hospital?
We're at the hospital, Mrs Wheel.
We're just going to have a little look at the country.
How lovely? Ooh, isn't that lovely?
"Not so fast, Elly," I thought.
"If Pam gets them, she'll give them to Babs...,
"and we all know what she'll do with them."
Aren't we lucky!
Are we going to the hospital?
Don't worry, Mrs Wheel.
We'll come back to the hospital after we've had a little look at the countryside.
And then I thought: "Well, hold on...
"Millie's living in Majorca.
"Well what on Earth is she going to do with two dozen sherry glasses?
But I thought: "Even if she wants them, how should I get them to her?"
Aren't we lucky people!
Maybe I'm old-fashioned,
maybe I don't understand modern ideas about...
We've missed her. She's gone!
Which way then?
Left or right, Mr Stimpson?
Laura, Laura. Will you drive me to Norwich?
Okay. Where is it?
It's vital, you see. I shouldn't ask you otherwise. It's the headmasters' conference.
I'm the first headmaster
of a maintained comprehensive school ever, in the whole of history, to become
Chairman of the Headmasters' Conference.
- Just tell me where it is. - It's not far.
Not all that far.
Not too far.
Left or right?
Oh, right...
Left!
No, no... right... right.
- 163 miles... - Right.
We'll have to ring your mum.
Ah. They've got a phone here. I'd better speak to her myself.
I'll do it.
I mean, non if she's the slightest bit worried about it, Laura...
I'll pay for the petrol, of course.
This is a historic moment.
We are going a long way... We have come a long way...
We are going 163 miles...
John, listen to me, I’m going away.
It's over.
No, Norwich.
...if I may be personal for a moment. I was feeling deeply historic...
Five years ago, if I may be historic for a moment...
I was feeling deeply humble.
An overawed master from an obscure comprehensive school.
Every time she comes to the house, she makes some little remark...
"Oh Elly," she goes,
"it does take you ages to dust all your glasses... I don't know how you do it.
"I'm sure I shouldn't like to have all those glasses to dust."
She goes on and on about those glasses, never stops.
I sometimes wonder if she ever thinks about anything else.
She certainly never talks about anything else.
Of course, I don't say a word.
I'm not much of a talker. There's plenty I could say if I wanted to.
Well, like that clock...
that came to her,
not that she's ever wound it.
Not that she's so much as looked at it, from that day to this.
Laura, what did she say?
Oh, it's okay.
...got rooms in that house so filled with things that you can't open the door. Doesn't know what she's got herself.
I feel very badly about this Laura. What are you missing?
- You're missing double biology! - I don't mind.
You should mind. You've got A levels and I'm taking you out of double biology.
Laura, you're going to discover that life is full of the most terrible moral choices.
In fact I said to her the other day:
I said, "you know what's going to happen, don't you?
"Someone's got to sort this lot out when you've gone, and it won't be Dibs, it won't be Lou...
"oh dear, no, it'll be me!"
But no one pays attention to what anyone says; I don't know why I waste my breath.
I can tell you she's got a clock in that house that came from Mother
that's worth every penny of £100.
It's never been wound from that day to this.
So when she's in the house the other day...
That bloke with the doll, did they pay?
They didn't pay! They've never paid.
Blue 1100, was it?
Laura Wisely! She lives round the corner.
She's one of his pupils.
How lovely!
I saw the train leave.
Isn't that lovely?
The number! The number!
I don't believe this; there goes another one!
Don't worry, it's okay. Honestly.
If Thomas Tompion is a success story, it is because we insist
upon certain traditional standards.
Speech.
It's on the train.
I should like at this point, if I may, to pause for three hours
160 miles in three hours... to pause for
say three-and-a-half hours
three-and-a-half into 160...
It's a good thing, actually.
If you hadn't have come along, I might not be here now.
I had this great row
with this bloke.
I run back to the house and I saw the car keys, and I thought, "Right!"
We all understand, I think, that lateness is a discourtesy to others.
What is sometimes forgotten these days
is that it is three-and-a-half into 16
It's about 50 miles an hour.
He didn't like it when I told him I was driving to Norwich with someone.
"Who?" he said,
"Who? Who?"
He's so jealous.
You told him you were driving to Norwich?
- You told who you were driving to Norwich? - This bloke.
I couldn't ring Mum; she'd have gone mad.
But we can't stop again.
And I never paid for the petrol.
Mrs Wisely?
Police?
No, Jolly. Mr Jolly.
I just wondered if Laura was... Are you Laura's....police?
Laura's at school, dear. I'm on the phone. The car's been stolen.
No, it isn't the police.
It's someone for Laura.
It's my husband. He's beside himself.
Well you'll have to come back and speak to them, give them a description.
I can't give them a description.
Is it a Morris or an 1100? I don't know.
He's in such a state he doesn't know what he's doing. He lives for that car.
If it's standing outside in the drive, he goes to pieces.
Is it the anti-nuclear, dear?
No, no, it's just that Laura's not at...
I don't want to alarm you, but just thought I...
Laura. She's disappeared. No one knows where she is.
No, he's just said.
He's here now. He's just told me.
Who are you?
- I am, well, I'm one of the staff at the... - He's one of the staff at the...
You know, the music...
He's the music.
He's coming home.
He doesn't know what he's doing. He's going to do someone an injury.
And you've no idea where she is?
Well, does she have any relations...
I just wondered if she had any sort of..
Well... in Norwich?
- Is this the hospital? - No!
Just wait there. Don't move.
Ooh, doesn't this make a change!
No, it's not, it's Mrs... isn't it Mrs Stimpson?
I'm sorry, I just wondered
Laura's disappeared!
She didn't tell you she was going?
Not a word, and the car's been stolen!
I'm so sorry, Mrs Wisely, I'm so sorry...
We're waiting for the police. My husband's out of his mind with worry.
He says...
that she's in Norwich.
I just somehow thought perhaps... Oh hello, Mrs Stimpson. I just wondered if...
Of course everyone knows except me!
Why Norwich? What could she be doing in Norwich?
I'll tell you what she's doing in Norwich.
She's going to the annual meeting of the Headmasters' Conference.
- Oh no. - You mean...?
- Yes. - You don't mean...?
Of course, he wouldn't take me.
I said I'd sit in the hotel, I'd eat in McDonalds, but oh no,
because he's taking her.
She said it was cello, every evening, I knew it wasn't cello!
A schoolgirl, a child...
She's got her A levels.
Look! A little family party. Isn't that nice!
I think I'd better... I think I must be...
I haven't said anything about his work, work, work...
I haven't said anything about his everlasting Conservative meetings, but I'm not going to put up with this.
Which one's the hospital?
The hospital? I think it's on the bypass
Her father'll kill her.
Can we see over the house? Is it open today?
Get in the car!
I told you to stay in the car.
What a day!
- Where next? - Norwich!
So she said: "What happened to Mother's blue tea counter?"
And I said: "well, you're the last person to ask..."
Where's the other one?
She's in Norwich, at a conference of headmasters with the headmaster.
His wife's beside herself, and what about her A levels? We've got to find her, Ted.
You've got to talk to her. Get the car out. Oh, the car's been stolen.
She's taken the car. She can't drive.
Mrs Wisely? Stolen car?
- There! There. - There.
Here.
Now keep calm. Don't go mad.
Well, what are you waiting for?
"Mother's blue teapot indeed," I said.
"well you should know, you were the last to see it."
Then the next thing I know, she's eyeing the sherry glasses.
She's always been eyeing the sherry glasses ever since she first came to the home...
- Ten o'clock in the morning? - What?
You had a row with your boyfriend
- at 10 o'clock in the morning? - I had a free.
Study periods are for study, Laura.
Evening is the proper time to have rows
with your boyfriend.
I couldn't see him in the evening.
Does the sun ever appear late over the horizon, saying
please sir, the bus was full, the train was on strike?
His wife wouldn't let him go out in the evening.
If the sun depended on public transport to arrive each day...
His wife?
It's okay. He didn't get on with her.
I suppose you have passed the driving test, Laura.
As good as...
What's that supposed to mean?
I only failed on one thing.
Right. Pull in!
Now please, at once.
Let's get one thing straight at any rate.
Get in the other side.
Blue 1100.
Million blue 1100s.
A middle-aged man and a girl.
That's life I'm afraid, Laura.
You can drive, but you haven't passed the test.
I, on the other hand, have passed the test but wouldn't claim...
Don't worry, we'll just pull the wing away from the wheel.
She'll be all right.
It'll all be covered, Laura. Your dad's insurance...
I'm the one they'll summons,
- and the one who'll have to tell your dad... - Yes,
and another thing. Have you stopped for petrol anywhere?
Petrol?
No, we filled it up yesterday.
Didn't we, Laura?
No!! That's part of our car!
It's jangling all about, I can hear it.
It's scratching the paint.
We must find a phone, warn them I'm not going to be there until 4.00.
Does the tide ever go out during a study period, saying:
"please sir, I'm having a row with my boyfriend"?
It isn't someone on the staff, is it?
It's not Mr Slidewell?
Mr Fellowdew?
- It's not Mr Jolly? - No.
I wasn't anywhere near him.
You realise if you're not licensed, we're not insured.
12:59...
Phone! Here we are.
10p. Have you got 10p?
Alright then, in the third race tipping no.4 for a win and no.7...
Sorry!
University of Norwich.
They're vandalising
those phones again, Pat.
All right Mum, just go.
- When's lunch? - Now.
Granny's just getting it.
Tell Tom and Boo lunch is on the table.
The phones, Pat!
They're at the phones again.
I'll just put my woolly on.
University of Norwich.
A girl and a boy.
He's showing off his muscles, and she's egging him on.
I'll try and keep them talking till the police get here.
University of Norwich.
Thank God, look
I'm calling long distance, and I've only got one 10p,
so could you please give a message to the secretary of the Headmasters' Conference?
University of Norwich.
Yes, our annual meeting's being held there; it starts at 5.00.
Would you tell him I was supposed to be there at 3.00...
Hello. University of Norwich.
Can't you hear me?
I said, would you tell him I'm going to be slightly late
Put your money in the box, caller.
I've put my money in the box!
It's eaten the money.
I haven't got any more money.
How old are you?
It's out of order.
I'll tell you how old you are.
You're two years and one day older than me.
I mean it took the money, and
Pat?
- Fancy meeting you like this! - Good God!
- You don't live here? - No, no.
I don't live here. I don't even live in England. I'm just seeing my mum.
Isn't that amazing!
- Well... - Anyway, run.
You don't have to tell me what you're up to these days because I can see...
you're late!
No, no no; it was the third telephone box in a row...
Still late for everything, are you Brian?
No, I'm not late these days as a matter of fact...
What was it this time, Brain? Buses on strike? Got the wrong train?
I'm not late! Ha, ha, ha...
I'd say come and have lunch.
Um, unfortunately
All right, Brian. Just your luck isn't it.
Running into someone you haven't seen for twenty years when you're late already.
No, no I'm not late. I'm merely in a hurry.
Well, give me a kiss
and I'll let you run.
Lovely to see you again, Brian.
Here, come on, and I'll give you Mum's number.
You can phone me when you've got a moment.
Oh, right.
You won't believe this, but your dad and I...
were at training college together, and he was late...
Pat, could I make a phone call?
He was late the first time he took me out,
He was late every time he took me out.
He was late the day he collected his diploma.
Oh, he hasn't told you about all that.
Haven't you told her about your murky past then?
He's not even listening.
I said you're not even listening.
I suppose not.
Out!
Well, I can see your mind's on other things. I mustn’t hold you up.
Yes, we must be on our way.
- No! - She won't let...
poor old dad drive, will she?
No, I won't.
She's lovely, Brian. A real glint in her eye.
Yes. Ah, Pat? Can you drive?
Great to see you anyway. Can I drive?
You passed your test? You've got a licence?
Yes. What's all this about?
Have a drive! Go on! See what you think. All right?
Just round the block.
I'd like to know what you think. Come on!
Well I thought you were late.
Ah, I'm not late! Ha, ha, ha, ha...
Funny man you are, Brian.
I haven't driven in this country for twenty years.
Never mind, off you go.
- Married a dentist down under. - Right.
Just brought the kids over to stay with Mum. We were going to have lunch.
- Right. Let's go. - You've got time for lunch, haven't you?
I bet you're starving.
I've got one your age. - Later. Get the driving over first!
Once round the block then...
Close your eyes and pray.
- On the left still, isn't it? - Right.
On the right?
Left, left.
Right.
Stop them! Stop them!
What? They, they did the phone?
The phone yes, but now they've kidnapped my daughter.
It's lovely.
What?
- The car. - Oh, right.
There's perhaps something not quite right up here somewhere.
That's the wing.
The wing?
He pulled it off. Dad'll kill me.
It's Dad's car. It's not his car.
He's not my father. He's Mr Stimpson.
Why did you tell her I was your daughter?
Daughter? Who, me? No, son. I haven't got a daughter.
What, Laura? Laura's one of my girls.
One of my sixth formers. She's very kindly driving me to Norwich.
It's a headmasters conference; I'm a headmaster now.
Yes, well I'll say 'goodbye' then, Brian.
You can't stop here!
It's all right, I'll walk back.
The police...
It's your life, Brian. I don't want to say anything. I just don't want to get involved.
Keep going, keep going!
We'll be out in the county in a minute. My children don't know where I am.
- We're just sitting down to lunch. - It's all right. We'll find a bus stop.
- Find a bus stop? - Here's a bus stop.
You can't stop at a bus stop.
Well where am I going?
Straight on.
Well done.
Hooting.
Oh, don't mind him!
I don't know where we are. I don't know where we're going!
I'll tell you. One moment.
It was always the same thing.
You feel sorry for them, don't you?
You'd start off in evening dress and silver dance shoes,
and end up running, your skirt in your hand and your heel down a grating.
And then they turn round and scream at you.
- Next left. Be posted to Northampton. - Northampton!
We'll put you on the train.
What do you mean you'll put me on the train? They're sitting round the table,
waiting to start lunch!
Get a move on then!
Put your foot down!
It's like being nineteen again.
I hated being nineteen.
Right, fine.
We shouldn't be doing this kind of speed, not in a car like this.
Right, right.
Listen to it, it's coming to pieces.
Terrible.
Now where am I going? I'm going left, am I?
Right, right.
Right?
All right, 10 minutes and we'll be in Northampton.
Northampton was left.
That was our turn?
- You said 'right'. - I said "left"!
Brian, don't you shout at me.
Can't anyone tell left from right?
She's doing her best.
Right. Just take the next left, will you?
I'll get straight out of the car.
You can't get out of the car now till we get to Northampton.
Always late,
and always trying to make it my fault, always screaming at me.
I was not screaming, I was merely saying 'left'.
Now they've made you headmaster. Like putting a shark in charge of a swimming pool!
Left. Left.
Left! Left!
What's this? This isn't going anywhere!
It's going back to the Northampton Road.
They'll be out of their minds.
Just keep absolutely calm, and turn left and left again.
So, left here...
Perfect, thank you.
Well done.
Now, we just go round the next corner... and...
Now what?
Don't worry. We just go back.
Back?
Right. Reverse.
How did this happen to me?
In reverse gear.
Put it into reverse.
Show her where reverse is, Laura.
Good, well done. Come on then. Come on.
Come on. Well done.
Come a... STOP!
This is a historic moment.
Little did I dream that I should be sitting here...
When are we going to have lunch?
- Into the field... - Into the field?
Just do as I say.
We'll get something to eat in Northampton. We'll hit the road in about 100 yards.
I know this is wrong.
I knew it! I knew it!
It'll be just beyond that next hedge.
Just beyond the next hedge.
Je vois déjà les voitures.
Look, I can see the cars. I can see them moving. Right then.
There's no track-
We've come to the end of the track.
We don't need a track. It's grass. Come on.
Perhaps I sound a little old fashioned, but we live in a world where time
is becoming not less important, but ever more so.
Imagine a spacecraft running late;
it might miss its orbit completely, and find itself wandering off
into the trackless depths of the universe.
A nightmare! A nightmare!
Hold it, and hold it. Let's just have a quiet think.
I'm never going to get home!
Stop it! You'll break the engine.
Thank you. Thank you. Now, it's five to two.
I'm hungry.
You're hungry? We're all hungry.
We can't eat now because we're in the middle of a field.
So, we have to adapt to our circumstances.
Now, I wanted to be in Norwich at 3.00
to greet everyone as they arrive.
I can't be there at 3.00, so instead
I want to be there at 5.00
in time to deliver my speech.
This is how mankind has evolved from the primeval slime...
by adapting to circumstances.
We can't go forwards, so we'll go backwards instead.
Put it in reverse for her, Laura. I'll push.
Right? Right.
No! Thank you. Stay here. Don't move.
Excuse me... Hello.
Can you tell me...? Do you know...?
Is there anyone round here with a tractor?
Won my bet, anyway.
Watched you go down on that hoed dirt...
Bet myself a cheese sandwich you wouldn't get as far as the bottom.
Right, we're stuck. We need a tractor, to pull us out.
'Avin' a day in the country, are you?
Not really. Is there a farm...
near here?
Gettin' close to nature?
Right, right.
We're in rather a hurry, you see. I have to be in Norwich by 5.00.
Norwich? You're goin' to Norwich?
Yes, so if we can just find a tractor...
What? Short cut is it?
Lost our way. So we must quickly find a tractor.
Well, my advice is this...
Yes?
If you're goin' this way...
find a tractor...
A tractor, yes...
and stay on the bloody thing all the way to Norwich.
Thank you. Thank you very much!
- I'll tell ya' something else... - Yes, thank you.
Know what I'm sittin' on?
A bomb, I hope.
All right, my old dear,
You look that way, and I'll look this,
and I bet you a jam tart
I find a tractor first.
Headin' for Norwich, I believe?
Some of us.
You dodged the traffic, anyway.
Come on. Come on. Oh, for God's sake. Turn the record player down.
Ah, right. There you are.
Now, a tractor. I'm looking for a tractor.
You don't have a tractor here, do you?
I'm so sorry, but it is rather urgent. I have to be in Norwich by...
Of course, a monastery.
I might have guessed.
Have they found a tractor?
Well, it doesn't matter. Wasn't important.
I'm sorry to let them down, that's all. It doesn't matter to me.
It was important for the school.
Would've meant so much to the children.
Well... I suppose we couldn't ring for a taxi?
No phone?
It would have meant a lot to my mother, of course,
if she'd been alive.
I mean, I'd be happy to enter a monastery and never speak again
We speak.
I'm sorry, I... I just assumed... I'm sorry.
What do you think I should do then?
Have a bath, perhaps?
They're women!
Funny ol' boyfriend you girls have found yourselves.
Takes you for nature study in the country, then slips off and enters a monastery!
- Right, I'm off. - Mr Stimpson?
Are you coming with me, or aren't you.
This is our car!
I'm not waiting.
Mr Stimpson? Mr Stimpson?
Mr Stimpson!
Quick, where are you?
It's your friend, she won't wait.
They can't find a tractor.
We've got one. It's pulled us out.
What are you doing?
I'm having a bath.
- You've got one? - She's going.
I'll be right down.
Well?
He's having a bath.
A bath? Why not a sauna and massage as well?
Again?
Mr Stimpson?
Where is she?
She's gone. I said he's having a bath, and she went.
Stop her!
It's our car!
End of the lane.
Ah, can't... can't...
Sandal...
We found the road, anyway.
It's not the despair, Laura,
I can stand the despair; it's the hope.
There!
Blue Morris 1100, registration number Romeo Delta Xray 364 Juliet.
We've also got Mrs Garden, reported missing, believed kidnapped.
State of shock, otherwise appears all right.
No sign of the girl.
She's at the monastery.
Oh, she's apparently in a monastery.
No sign of the male suspect.
He's in the bath.
In the monastery?
In the bath, in a monastery.
It's gonna take a bit of sorting out, this one!
We'll bring Mrs Garden in anyway.
We're charging her with taking and driving away,
driving a vehicle in an unroadworthy condition,
exceeding the speed limit, and assaulting a police officer.
Nearly there...
One little slip, Laura, that's all.
Said 'right', meant 'left'.
One word!
Going!
Gone!
I've lied for this, Laura... I've stolen,
I've taken you out of school...
Well, I suppose this is a form of education; it's an education for me, Laura.
You still haven't had any lunch.
We'll get something.
In your suit.
In the bathroom.
I've even lost the time.
He's only a third in geography, but he can read a balance sheet.
Our merchant bankers thought we could reckon on 15%.
The Old Boys' Association raised a quarter of a million, in 3 months...
You know, our people suggested floating the school off.
We're offering an A level in classic Arabic, of course.
...and we hope the school mosque will finished in time for Ramadan.
One in the eye for Millfield, anyway.
We're also planning a Deutsche Mark offshore fund.
We have to be prepared for any political eventuality.
...but we do have the same accountants as Mick Jagger.
...so anyway an air crew came down and checked out our security arrangements,
with particular reference to the bombs.
Did you ring the school?
They say he left at 10.00
He said he was going to be here by 3.00
I'm sorry, I'm... just...
I don't know... whether...
Extraordinary appointments some governors make these days.
Or is that the state sector?
The chap over there came on a motor cycle by the look of it.
Good God!
There's some woman!
- How did she get in? - Excuse me.
And at Easter I'm taking the Classical sixth to Jamaica.
Can I help you at all?
Where is she? Where's Laura?
I'm sorry?
Our daughter! He's going mad, and he'll have one of his attacks.
Oh! Oh dear. Your daughter?
Well, let's go and have a look for her, shall we?
I'm sorry, someone should explain. We don't bring wives and families.
Wives? No, you have 18-year-old girls
who are doing their A levels. I've never heard anything like it.
Well, let's go upstairs and discuss it in peace, shall we?
And where is he? Where's Mr Stimpson?
Mr Stimpson? Ah! Mr Stimpson.
Well, I think you'll like our new prospectus. It's been done by...
Excuse me one moment.
Anyway, we're hoping the new solarium will give our sixth form a bit more appeal
- at the top end of the market. - I'm so sorry.
Would you take these good people
and upstairs, to the room along the corridor, on the left.
Terrific! Delighted!
See that they have some tea. I'll be with you in one minute.
Can I help you?
I'm looking for Mr Stimpson.
Oh, we're all looking for Mr Stimpson. Come with me.
So of course I said: "I don't drink sherry
"I'm a total abstainer, as you very well know
"But I do not see why the sherry glasses should go to Pam, just because she drinks."
Why don't you have a cup of tea?
I told you to stay in the car!
You're another of Mr Stimpson's party, are you?
Pour them some tea, and take them upstairs, the room along the corridor on the left.
Very well.
What are you doing here?
Oh, I'm just... I'll... fetch you a cup of...
He seems to have brought his entire family.
There's another one here.
Let me guess. You're looking for Mr Stimpson.
I'm looking for the head doctor.
Well let's see what we can find upstairs.
Mr Stimpson?
Am I?
I don't know where I am or what I am.
I know the feeling.
Why don't you both make yourselves comfortable in here?
I'll bring Mr Stimpson to you just as soon as I've found him.
Terrible bore, I know, but it is a private meeting.
As a matter of fact, I say it would be an unfair temptation to put
a sherry glass in her hand.
Mr Stimpson's party?
In here.
Two more for you.
Terrific! Super!
This is the most exciting day!
Detective Sergeant Rice, Norwich CID.
I believe you have a Mr Brian Stimpson here.
Nothing wrong, I hope.
We'd just like a word with him, sir.
Well he hasn't arrived yet. We're waiting for him.
We'll wait too then. If we may.
I'll bring you some tea.
Stimpson supporters club? In here.
Do you take sugar?
- Police looking for him now. - Oh no!
Little boys?
Well, if he's not here by 5.00...
I suppose one of us could say a few words.
Yes, I could have a go, if you like.
Something about money, perhaps?
Usually a reliable standby.
I hope he's not lying in some ditch.
Oh, absolutely.
It was going to be the start of so much, Laura. I was going to go into politics.
I used to think:
"When I become Secretary of State for Education..."
Don't laugh!
I thought I didn't mind.
When I was in the monastery, I thought I'd resigned myself to it, but really...
I knew I'd still got time, you see.
Funny how you always know secretly
when the last moment is, and when it's gone.
And now it has,
I mind, Laura. I mind.
Mr Stimpson
Perhaps I could just...
lying here...
Mr Stimpson!
Wait!
Hop up then darling, what's the trouble?
Does this seat tip up?
Don't worry about the car. It's brand new. Only got 12 miles on the clock.
What? You pull this lever?
- What's all this. - We're together.
I don't believe this!
He's got to get to Norwich.
Well, I've seen them pull some stunts, but... a monk?
Okay. A monk! What can I do?
I'm surprised at you though, Father.
Putting a bird out at the side of the road, hiding in the ditch.
Does your Father Superior know you travel around like this?
Funny! You!
Speech... Like that?
What?
Frankly, Father, I'm shocked, do you know that?
I'm not easily shocked, but I'm shocked.
- Can we stop? - What?
Stop a moment. By these trees.
What's the trouble?
- Go for a little walk. - Go for a walk?
In the woods.
You... wanna go for a walk?
Don't you want to come?
What... you mean? What?
No one around!
Well, this beats everything.
Sorry about this, Father. Five minutes, that's all.
Pick a few flowers.
Come on then.
Him?
Do you want him to come? Do you want Father there?
Come on! The sun's out.
It's a funny old world, isn't it?
Look, I'll be frank. I'm out of my depth.
We could take our clothes off.
Go on then.
You first.
Go on.
Shoes.
Now you.
Now, Mr Stimpson.
Come on then.
Oh, now look, I'm not doing a solo.
Come on, be a monk.
Keys, find the keys.
I knew it! I knew it was a stunt the moment he got in the car.
Give it to me! Give it to me!
Give me that suit! 300 quid that suit cost me.
You've torn it.
Monk. Monk? You've torn the sleeve off a 300-guinea suit.
Oh no, not the car!
It's not mine. It's a customer's.
It's not insured.
Oh, please, please, don't drive. Come back!
I knew it. From the moment she stuck her thumb up.
Don't worry about the sleeve.
We'll get some sellotape. We've got some money now.
Feel in the pockets. How much have we got?
Oh, look! Hundreds and hundreds.
We could do anything.
We could get Chinese take-aways.
I saw this film on television once:
there was this bloke and this girl, and they went around everywhere in this car,
robbing these banks and things.
Did you see that, Mr Stimpson?
Don't worry, I'll get you there. I'm a better driver than her, anyway.
We should have taken his watch as well.
Do you know what's worrying me?
The way I always seem to get involved with older men.
No point in waiting beyond 5.00, is there?
I'm going to talk about charitable status and moral leadership.
Why can't he keep those damned women locked up?
So kind of you.
In everyone's way, as usual.
I'll just sit myself down.
Oh dear. Lost again, are we?
Quite, quite lost.
Let's see if we can find your friends.
Excuse me, but I am not shouting at you.
Excuse me, but you are!
Excuse me, but I'm merely trying to get it into your head that he is not here.
Oh, here they all are.
So when will he be here?
I don't know.
Debating about which word to do.
Can't you stop these people wandering into the hall?
No I can't. They keep wanting to go to the loo.
Mrs Wheel needs to go to the ladies.
Do you see? And then they don't come back.
Call yourself a doctor?
Get me someone to escort them to the loo.
Ooh, we're off again, are we?
Not you, you've been.
Detective Inspector Laundryman, regional crime squad.
Stimpson?
Thought I might have a few words with him.
In here.
- Stimpson? - What are you doing here, George?
Stimpson.
Takin' n' drivin, and assault?
No, taking and driving and kidnapping.
Right, inside then.
Let's keep the door closed.
Um, Gentlemen...
Gentlemen, if I might have your attention for one moment...
Thank you.
And now the time is...
is exactly five o'clock, and I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.
Our chairman, Mr Stimpson...
is here.
This is a historic moment.
I stand before you today as your new chairman,
something that some of us never expected to see in our lifetime.
We have come a long way together
to be where we are today.
A long way.
Who is she?
A long, long way...
And at this point I should perhaps explain that
during the course of my journey
I have become separated...
separated from the text of my speech.
So I hope you will forgive me if I am a little disconnected.
Right!
So I stand here today, and I look out there
and what do I see?
I see myself
I see myself as I was then,
an obscure master from an
overawed comprehensive school.
Right. So, what was I doing there?
I was amazed to find herself...
Um, I was amazed to find myself
invited to become one of your very select handful
of additional women.
And I was even more amazed still
at what I was listening to,
because what I was listening to was
Well, come in then if you're coming!
No, because what I was listening to was
Are there any more of you out there?
All right. Find yourselves somewhere to sit.
Right.
There I was listening to the headmasters of schools with great and glorious names
So kind of you.
Oh, sit down!
Yes, we're all waiting for you!
Thank you.
Right, so there I was,
listening to the headmasters of schools with great and glorious names as they
kicked around a variety of weighty topics,
as they expatiated upon a variety of weighty balls.
I'm glad someone finds that funny.
Did he say what I think he said?
There's no need to whisper.
Please come up here and explain the joke to the entire school.
And who's that creaking?
Come on, come on. Let's get it over with.
There's a seat down here, look.
Long way to Norwich, was it?
Long way to that seat, too.
Make yourself comfortable then. Get all the creaking over.
No rush.
We've got all the time in the world.
Time! Right, because I should like,
before I pass on, before I pass on to other matters,
to sound a note of warning.
And still they come.
I was just talking, you might be interested to hear, about time.
I was going to say that
we all understood that lateness
was a discourtesy to others.
But I'm beginning to wonder.
You're beginning to wonder too, are you?
So perhaps the rest of us could turn round and face the front,
and we'll all wonder together.
Right, thank you.
Because I'm beginning to wonder
if I'd be the only person in the world
who'd be slightly surprised if the tide came wandering in
half an hour after the lesson had started,
slammed all the doors,
and stood there gazing round the room
trying to find some chums to sit next to
while the rest of us
patiently wait to get on with the day's events.
Perhaps I sound a little old fashioned,
but imagine a spacecraft
that was endlessly interrupted by latecomers and flapping doors.
It might just possibly go completely mad!
It might just possibly
lift off the launch pad and go
streaming off into the depths of the universe.
And never been seen again until the end of time.
Right. Hymn 122:
"He Who Would Valiant Be".
Mr Stimpson!
Excuse me, sir.
Mr Stimpson? Mr Stimpson?
Brian? Brian, stay there.
- Mr Stimpson? - Laura! Laura!
Excuse me.
Are you Mr Brian Stimpson of...
I want to have a word with my husband.
This is my lovely day,
this is the day I will remember,
the day I'm dying.
They can't take this away,
it will be always mine, the sun and the wine,
the seabirds flying...
Where are they going now?
Both seen driving away, silver Porsche sports coupé
Furthermore, there are also
various charges relating to the theft of certain items of gents' clothing
including an ecclesiastical vestment,
and of a wallet containing
approximately £1,230 in cash.
Do you wish to say anything? You're not obliged to unless you wish to do so.
But whatever you say will be taken down in writing and may be given in evidence.
Go right, right.
- Right? - Eh? No, no left. Left!
My lovely day, my lovely day.